NCC urges parents to model non-violence in the home |24 August 2013

There is a clear connection between violence in the home and violence in the community. Families give messages to children about how to handle conflict out of the home. Parents and other adults can show children how they handle situations that make them angry in a calm, non-violent manner despite frustrations. Consider this approach to handling a typical conflict situation.

Jenita Hoarau’s (fictitious name) neighbour keeps letting his dog do his business in her garden. That makes her furious. (Jenita waits till she has calmed down to speak to the neighbour.)

“James, how are you? I see your flowers are blooming beautifully!... Speaking of flowers, I’m having a problem with mine and hope you could help me out. Your dog has chosen our garden as his favourite place to relieve himself, and it has really become a problem...I wonder what will work for both of us?”

Try to be a good role model for handling conflict. A child learns how to approach the world by seeing what goes on in the home and how you approach the world. If your children are fighting, parents can always apply a “No Violence rule” in the home.

"The rule in this house is ‘No Hurting Anyone’. This house is supposed to be the safest place for everyone who lives here. If anyone needs someone to help solve a disagreement I will help, but I will not tolerate any pushing or fighting ever!  When you have calmed down figure out how both of you can work this out."

“It usually takes about half an hour for the emotion of anger or fury to dissipate, so you may ask them to leave each other alone until then,” said an NCC counselor.

The culture of the television age tells all of us to be aggressive and a bully when dealing with adversity. Now the culture seems to be one of "might makes right" and “rich is better”.

Many of us grew up in homes where men made most of the decisions and the women went along with that. As a parent you have to expose these myths.  Show your children that all in your family are of equally high value and that you know even your adversaries are high value human beings like yourself who deserve to be treated with respect.

Show them how you handle your anger by keeping yourself cool in a crisis and always treating people with respect.
Tell your children how you acted at work to calm down and truly resolve conflicts.

When confronted with an angry aggressive customer for example, we try to communicate and connect with the decent side of the aggressor. We try to keep ourselves alert, but not anxious, cautious but not afraid. Sometimes we decide to just get away from a dangerous situation.

After an experience with a particularly aggressive customer we may wish we had handled the conflict with rudeness or violence, because we ourselves have been exposed to all the spy ‘heroes’ stuff - who we may secretly admire. Similarly we might feel upset because the aggressive customer reminded us of a time when we experienced violence when we were younger. And although noble to take some abuse from someone who is upset, most of us do not like it. Potential and real violence are emotional issues for us all. And all of us are sometimes overwhelmed, but we have to remember that safe assertive problem-solving approach can help our children at school and on the streets.

Parents must always remember that non-violent, assertive problem-solving works better than violence. It is safer for us at work, and it allows us to end up with a customer who is somewhat satisfied and it ensures safety for ourselves.

Children need help to learn the skills most adults practice in the workplace. They need parents’ guidance on violence, alcohol, drugs, smoking, tattoos, dating relationships and sex. Trust that your values are better than someone who is hanging on the corner and happy to teach your child how to fight, drink, get their nipples or belly buttons pierced and have sex.