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How to respond to children who don’t want to go to school |06 February 2016

If you're a parent, it's almost inevitable that you're going to be faced with your child not wanting to go to school at some point. And like most parents, you probably take the responsibility of getting your kids to school very seriously and get angry and frustrated when they refuse to go because a lot of people might think it’s your fault if the child doesn’t want to go.  Some people even believe that personality conflict with the teacher might generate this type of behaviour. Whatever the reason given, this thing can easily turn into a power struggle which you as a parent will feel “it’s a battle you have to win”.

But it’s really important that you take time to find out the real reasons why he/she doesn’t like school. It’s all too easy to react to your own anxiety and emotions about the situation rather than acting in a well-planned, effective way that will get your child where you want him to be.

The most important thing is that you identify the problem correctly. Is it workload, peer pressure, or your child's individual way of coping?

It's vital for parents to look at your child's situation closely: does he require more sleep or is there a social problem? Or is this a kid who lacks sufficient problem-solving skills to help him solve the problem of getting out of bed when he doesn't want to? Sometimes kids are afraid of a bully, and actually, avoiding school is one of the first signs that your child is being bullied, so be sure to investigate that possibility. And there are other kids who just don't want to respond to structure and who have a hard time with authority. Not going to school becomes another avenue of acting out for them. In all of these cases, it's important for you to understand that the kid's refusal to go to school is his way of solving a problem that's real to him. Your child will not learn the appropriate coping skills to change their behaviour if you keep engaging in a fight with them. Instead, it will only add to the negativity of the situation.

As we see over and over again with some children, the way they solve problems gets them into more trouble. That's why it's very important that you help your child develop problem-solving skills on his or her own, so that when problems arise on any level over anything, your child will be able to think of a way to figure it out successfully.

For example, your child might be falling behind in class, but doesn’t know how to approach her teacher and ask for help. Spend some time talking with your child to really dig deep into the problem. Ask open ended questions – these usually start with “what,” “when,” or “how.” You might ask, “When do you have the toughest time in school?” or “What goes on for you when the teacher assigns something that seems really difficult?” You might also get input from the teacher and support staff at your child’s school as well – they often see things you don’t see, and report things your child won’t report to you.

Think of the people who work at your child’s school as your teammates. While they often bring a different perspective to the table, most educators have the same goal – they care about your child and they want to help your child learn and grow, academically and personally. It takes commitment from the staff as well as commitment from you in order to help your child through a challenging time. Just because the problem is taking place at school does not mean that you get to sit back and let the teachers handle it. So talk to the teachers and work as a team to come up with a plan for home and school. When you are feeling lost about what to do, teachers often have great, effective ideas that you can try. Don’t be afraid to ask for some guidance. Teachers might also refer you to the school counsellor for additional support and ideas.

Your child will most likely not make a complete turnaround and start liking – or even tolerating – school in the blink of an eye. Start where your child is right now and gradually increase your expectations over time until you’ve achieved your goal. Be patient and check in with the school often. Talk with your child often as well to see if things are getting better, and come up with new ideas to try if needed. Continue to draw upon your support system for ideas and possible solutions. Children with peer challenges might need some assertiveness training. A lot of kids don’t know how to speak up respectfully when another student offends them. Role-playing the situation with them is an important part of the process that will give them some practice and build their confidence so they are ready for the real deal.

Recognise your child’s progress, even “baby steps”. Let your child know you can see she is trying, or let her know you noticed that she cried a bit less (or fought a bit less!) this morning and she’s on the right track.

So this week, if your child won't get out of bed or throws a fit again about going to school, think about correctly identifying the problem. Problem-solving skills require problem-identifying skills. Parents who are not equipped to do this should seek help.

If you’re seeing some seriously defiant behaviour and your child does not respond to these strategies after a week or two, then it’s definitely time to reach out for some support. Locate a therapist or counsellor who can help you get your child’s defiance under control. You can always call the NCC for assistance by telephoning 4283900.

 

Contributed by the National Council for Children (NCC)

 

 

 

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