Listening and management of conflict in a couple |26 August 2016

In the previous article on dialogue I mentioned the great need for people to listen carefully.  Before going on to management of conflict I want to stress a few more points regarding the subject.

I will start with the elements that should accompany good, effective listening.

• While the speaker goes on expressing himself the listener must reflect on what he is saying.  The reason for that is clear, we have to respond to his statements and for us to do so we need to understand what ideas he is trying to express.
• Therefore there is a need to give him our full attention……listen with your eyes and ears so that you do not only hear the words but fully comprehend the sentiments behind his words.  This is essential if we are to respond to the speaker in an effective, satisfactory manner for both him and yourself.
• There is a need to ask questions when in doubt so as to avoid misunderstanding which will undoubtedly affect the end result.
• If you do not understand what he is trying to say, speak up.
• Show interest on what he thinks and be interested even when he does not think like you.  Do not just dismiss his ideas.  Reason with him and if you still disagree, say so but respect his views.
• When he expresses opinions we feel strongly about do not attack him but make an effort to try and see his point of view.  Remember, he has a right to have an opinion as much as you.

Secondly let us explore the reasons for listening to others.

• First and foremost we allow others to open up and let us understand their feelings.
• It shows that we are interested with people around us specially if they have personal problems.  Listening to them gives them confidence and is a boost to their self esteem.
• Also if we want to help our friends or members of our family we need a lot of information before we can help the person.  Remember it is his problem and not ours.
• While listening, reasoning and responding to his spoken words and non-verbal message we can guide him to do three things.

(a)      Understand his situation better.

(b)      Realise why this problem occurred.

(c)       So that he could eventually make decisions based on facts to alleviate or stop his problem.

To conclude on this subject I would say that we then need to also use some techniques for effective listening.

• Use clarification to really understand the speaker.
• Repeat what he says every now and then to make sure you really got him right.
• Stay positive throughout and let him see that you are really interested and listening.  Encourage him but do not interrupt the flow of his thoughts.  Do not try to impose your ideas on him. There are such things as compromise or agree to disagree.
• Show empathy ‒ that you really feel for him and understand his position.  Above all encourage him to express sentiments which you may then follow up to understand the reasons behind.
• Each dialogue should end up with

(a)      Recognition of the important points

(b)      Where we have reached in the discussions

(c)       Help the person to draw up a plan of action but make sure he decides on alternatives and not you.

Now we can move to the next subject, namely, management of conflict

We have discussed the necessary tools…dialogue, listening and how we can make these two actions effective. 

When a young man and woman are courting, they move heaven and earth to make each other happy ‒ gifts, time together, special events etc.  They think this is something that will stay forever. They never think of conflict.

However no matter how sweet their rapport is at this stage, conflict will come at some stage.  Why will it occur?

The reason is simple: much as we say we love each other we are different by nature.  Our bodies’ structure is different and they say a woman thinks with her heart, while a man thinks with his head.  We come from different families and our past experiences and environment have shaped us differently. Our level of education may also differ. In other words, as I like to say, we each come with a back-pack full of our experiences. Because of these reasons, we will not see things the same way. We will not attach the same value to things. The young girl may prefer a house when the young man wants a car. Our points of view on various subjects will differ.

As a result there will be conflict. What we have to do is learn to manage it so that it does not turn into violence, so that we can live together in peace and harmony.

To do this we need some knowledge

• That we are different and this cannot be changed. We should not try to change each other as this will naturally lead to conflicts.
• Then we have to accept our differences and rather find means and ways of using our differences to enrich our relationship.
• Accept that because we are different we will not always think and act in the same way.
• It is clear then that if we want to live together harmoniously, we have to do something to help our relationship. This means we have to adapt to each other. In other words study and compare the contents of these two bags we arrive with and find means and ways of meeting each other halfway.  This is not a win/lose situation. It is on the contrary a case of working together for the welfare of each other. We always should remember to drop the “I” and use the “we” to create harmony.  Also it is good to always remind ourselves that whatever we say, do or think naturally affect each other for we are no longer the bachelor or spinster who can act as he/she wishes, Sincerity is therefore the key word here.

To do all this we need to develop certain abilities

We have already discussed the two key competencies that would help create harmonious relationship if practiced efficiently and conscientiously:

• Effective dialogue.
• Active listening.

I will advise you to browse through your articles on the above to refresh your memory.

• The couple will also need to develop negotiation skills. Address their difference of opinion in a calm, serene way to arrive at a conclusion satisfactory to both of them.  That we both agree to the end result is paramount to harmony.
• There is a need also to practice tolerance. I do not mean tolerate everything, even what is wrong. When one is in the wrong, this has to be said but calmly with the aim of changing things for the best and also helping the other to grow.
• Sometimes it will not be possible to agree fully. In that case the couple has to compromise – a case of each making some concession to the other.
• Having said this I will stress that we should not be afraid to state our opinion, point of view clearly but again calmly so that it does not end in a tug of war.
• There should not be any fear to defend ourselves when the occasion calls for it.  The one listening to the defence should exercise tolerance.

Now what should we do when there is a conflict?

• Try to forget? Pretend there is no problem? Unfortunately the ill-feelings will stay and one day explode in violence.
• Argue about it, make a lot of noise, maybe swearing to cause the other to stop talking?

Yes, maybe he/she will stop talking but the ill-feelings are there and will erupt at the first occasion. Sometimes the occasion is even created – the husband who goes on a drinking binge for him to be able to say what he feels.

Or

• Sit down comfortably, use effective dialogue and active listening after having chosen an appropriate time to speak to each other. Listen carefully, try to understand the other’s feelings and all this should be done in a calm atmosphere with one aim in view ‒ try to arrive at a solution acceptable to both parties.
• In conclusion permit me to say that it is possible to have a fruitful, harmonious relationship if we have the necessary knowledge and develop useful abilities but we also need to make the necessary effort to make it work.  We should also persevere and if difficulties persist we should seek help.  Do not give up!

Edwina Adrienne

President of the Association for the Promotion of Solid, Humane Families