Building positive family relationship |01 October 2016
We can hardly exaggerate the importance of relationship in our lives. We have relationship with people, animals, things in the environment, suffering and God. In early childhood we start to learn how to relate to all these various situations. As we grow older we learn that there are healthy relationships as well as destructive ones.
However the human heart has a deep yearning for healthy relationships. Man is a social being, he cannot live alone. There is nothing more fulfilling than a good relationship. However we need to make a lot of effort and take time to arrive at such a state with anyone. But the reward is a high degree of happiness and a deep sense of fulfillment.
Family Relationship can be divided into two areas: romantic relationship between husband and wife and relationship between other members of the family. There are naturally great differences between the two types of relationships – one being very intimate the other to a degree less personal.
Romantic relationship: This relationship is one of the most important in human society as it is on this that future generations depend and are built. Much support and encouragement is needed to build this sort of relationship effectively. When a man and woman fall in love, this could be a spontaneous event – “love at first sight?” Fostering and developing the relationship is initially easy. As the two know each other better they begin to shed the masks and their real selves begin to appear. Still this can be an exciting journey provided both partners are
committed and ready to work at their relationship. This is not only a journey to discover the uniqueness of the body but that of the whole personality and it should be mutual because this is an intimate relationship between two persons.
At first it is a journey of discovery, our likes and dislikes, past experiences, life in our own families, our dreams, views on children and their education, values, our cultural background. Usually a lot of time is spent talking about these important issues thereby building up our understanding of each other’s feelings and needs. Both partners have to learn to listen to each other and find a middle way, workable and acceptable to both. They have to accept that they are different and learn to understand and work on a method which gives satisfaction to both.
Later will come the subject of education of children. From experience this can be a touchy subject. In my own case the teacher mentality took over and my expectations of the children were high whereas my husband was more tolerant and easy going with the children. However we managed to find a mode of conduct acceptable to both of us. There was a need to be tolerant, discuss each other’s views thoroughly. There is no win/lose situation. It is a matter of making it work and having ideals. Children must listen to a common voice or chaos ensues.
If this is done properly it is amazing how in the end all the bits of the puzzle fall together nicely. Also there is a need for a lot of time and a lot of patience and tolerance.
Quality time together is very important. At first this is easy but later when other duties call – work, home chores, children there seems to be less and less time to spend together. This is specially so when a baby is born and the mother becomes involved with her offspring and the husband may feel rejected, set aside. There is a need to ensure the involvement of the husband so that he does not feel that he has been replaced by the baby who should have brought them so much happiness. He can learn to care for the baby and perhaps help more in household chores to free the mother for her new duties thereby giving her time to spend with the husband. At least once a month they should be freed from other duties to spend quality time together. If this is not done slowly, slowly, frustration sets in and they may find themselves floating apart. As Father Denis Sonnet says “L’amour est à construire”.
There is also the question of commemoration: birthdays, wedding anniversary etc. It is very important that these events are celebrated. There is no need to make it a costly exercise – a card, a cake, some flowers – something to prove to the partner that you care, you remember. It is often these little things that really cement the relationship. Romantic relationships are meant to build each other up, to help each other grow in love and obviously in love for self. This special attention to each other will contribute to their growth journey. The two are meant to share whatever they have, not just goods but their ideas, values, ideals, experiences, frustrations, joys and worries. In all of this they have many opportunities to support each other and become enriched through their intimate relationship. There is also the question of personal development, perhaps learning new skills, further education which should also be encouraged and made possible when circumstances permit. Talents may be discovered late and encouraged to develop so that the person feels fulfilled.
Each person has weaknesses and there again the partner can help the other to face these difficulties. Sometimes they both have similar weaknesses and needs. In this case there will be a need for outside help in confidentiality. Praying together can be a way of encouraging and supporting each other in those circumstances.
Many aspects of romantic relationships have changed in our time. Personal work on their relationship can be harder for couples. It is advisable for partners not to blame each other but take responsibility for their part in the relationship. This will involve a lot of work, even suffering and pain. However the outcome of such hard work is inner freedom, peace and joy.
Christian values, with Christ as model, can help us to accept this often painful journey. Let us remember this saying “The family that prays together stays together”. Please always leave a place for God in your home. Never go to bed cross after an argument. Silence will cause the wounds to fester and make things more difficult. Lately I recall one of my daughters talking to me about the past related an event long ago when apparently her father and I had had an argument. He was sitting alone on the steps, she said, and she felt very sorry for him. She sat beside him to talk and at a stage he said: “Après la pluie viens le beau temps.” So it appears he was sure this was only a passing phase.
It would be foolish to expect romantic relationship to be without struggles and crises. They are part of such a journey and are tools for the personal growth of the two partners. Often the most difficult situations are occasions for us to gain tremendous insights and knowledge. Marriage is a great chance to mature.
To conclude I would say that in this day and age marriage is underrated and sometimes even ridiculed. After 58 years of marriage I would state that I never regretted the decision I took so many years ago. It takes the commitment and perseverance of both partners to make it work but it is possible and when one looks back on the struggles and the achievements in spite of everything one has a sense of fulfillment and real joy. It asks for commitment to the sometimes arduous task of becoming the kind of human being who knows how to love and how to receive love.
Edwina Adrienne
President of the Association for the Promotion of Solid Humane Families (APSHF)