Now is the best time to deal with school anxiety |21 January 2017

Now that the school year has begun, some parents are finding it very difficult to get their kids ready for school every morning. 

“I don’t want to go to school.” It’s a cry, actually more of a plea, from Dominique, a six-year-old  boy who is trying everything possible to stay at home and not go to school. In trying to get him to comply to their wishes Martha and Robert (mum and dad) phoned the National Council for Children (NCC) looking for a solution on what they can do to get their son to school on time.

“I don’t want to go to school” seldom means just that. It is usually the tip of an iceberg. There is either a need that is not being met or a cry for help about something. It is your job as parents to play detective and figure out what is really going on.

The most important thing is that you identify the problem correctly. Is it confusion, peer pressure, or your child’s individual way of coping? It’s vital for parents to look at your child’s situation closely: does he require more sleep or is there a physical problem?

It is likely not about school. With preschool-age children, the issue is often about separation. Attending school without a parent is very different from being left at home with a sitter. Remember, the process of adjusting to separation can take anywhere from a few days to a few months. It takes time to form a trusting relationship with a teacher and to make new friends. Your child just might prefer to be home with you.

Ask yourself how long it has been since school began. It takes a couple of weeks for a child of any age to dig in and get comfortable in school. Give it time before assuming the worst. The child may not have adjusted to a new schedule, may not know the ropes and feel overwhelmed, may still be in transition. Give it time.

Is there teasing or bullying going on? You’ll have to do a lot of fishing, as it can be hard for children to ask for help with teasing or bullying. Elementary school-age children often think they should be able to tolerate or solve these problems, but they can’t. Staying home enables the child to avoid them all together.

Is he not well? Your child just might be coming down with something. You know that when you feel sick, your get up and go is gone! But beware of the child who feigns illness to get out of school.

With elementary school-age children, all of the above may be at the source, but any of the following may also be the cause:

Does your child feel that he doesn’t fit in? As children mature, so too grows their social awareness and their need to fit in. Does he feel that he has no friends? It’s no fun going to school if you feel out of it or feel like you have no one with whom to eat lunch.

Is your child bored... really bored? There are some students who are just that advanced. Without a challenge or new material, school can be pretty dull.

Teacher trouble? The child who has gotten in trouble, had a consequence imposed and is embarrassed to be outted, just may not want to go to school and face the music.

The method for uncovering what is underneath your child’s school refusal will be different in every case. What is the same, however, is every child’s need to be heard, acknowledged, and understood. That is the first step in solving the problem. When the child knows that his feelings and problems are real, he will be much more open to brainstorming about a solution. For example, if your child has a problem with getting up in the morning, certainly TV, video games and cell phone time should be taken away and consequences should be given by withholding them or limiting the time your child can have with these things.

School refusal is usually very challenging, but there are some practical things you can do at home to encourage your child to go to school.

When you’re talking to your child showing them that you understand is an important starting point. For example, you could say things like, ‘I can see you’re worried about going to school. I know it’s hard, but you need to go. Your teacher and I will help you’.

Here are some other things you can say and do:

• Talk about what needs to happen to help your child attend and feel safe and comfortable at school – not about whether he goes to school.
• Show that you believe your child can go to school by saying positive and encouraging things. For example, ‘You’re showing how brave you are by going to school’. This will build your child’s self-confidence.
• Use clear, calm statements to let your child know that you expect him to go to school. Say ‘when’ rather than ‘if’. For example, you can say, ‘When you’re at school tomorrow ...’ instead of ‘If you make it to school tomorrow ...’.
• Use direct statements that don’t give your child the chance to say ‘No!’. For example, ‘It’s time to get out of bed’ or ‘Dominique, please get up and into the shower’. 

When you’re at home 
The way things are at home can make a difference to the way your child feels about school:

• Stay calm. If your child sees or senses that you’re worried, stressed or frustrated, it can make your child’s anxiety worse. And by staying calm, you model a positive way of handling the situation.
• Plan for a calm start to the day by establishing morning and evening routines. You can do this by organising uniforms, lunches and school bags the night before and getting your child to have a shower or bath in the evening.
• Make your home ‘boring’ during school hours so that you don’t accidentally reward your child for not going to school. This means little or no TV, video games, leisure activities, internet use and other fun stuff.
• Provide attention-based consequences for not going to school – for example, an early bedtime or limited time with you at night.
• Help your child stick to a reasonable sleep and wake cycle. It’s very hard to help your child get to school if she’s sleeping during the day and awake at night.

Getting to school
It might help to make some changes to school drop-offs and pick-ups:

• Get someone else to drop your child at school. Children often cope better with separation at home rather than at the school gate.
• When your child goes to school, praise him by describing what he might be feeling. You could say, ‘I know this is very hard and I am proud of you for trying hard’.
• Reward your child for going to school. This could be some special time with you or your partner, or stopping on the way home at the playground. Make sure the reward is on the same day and your child knows what it’s for.

You can also help your child start back at school – and keep going to school – by communicating and working with school staff:

• Talk to your child’s teacher or the head teacher for ideas and advice. Teachers have lots of experience with children who refuse to attend.
• Ask the teacher or head to refer you and your child to other support staff like the school counsellor.
• School refusal probably won’t go away by itself, so your child might need professional help to deal with it. You can always make an appointment at the National Council for Children –Telephone 4283900  or if your child is saying he feels sick, make an appointment with your doctor and check it out.

Contributed by the NCC