When does parenting end? |23 June 2017

As the world becomes more globalised, as technology becomes a necessity for development and   people become more disconnected to reality, more youths have adopted a culture of risky behaviour to create an image of themselves deemed to be “cool” and the abuse of drugs and alcohol becomes a concern for the society, many beg the question as to there are the parents and what are their roles in the way our population is being shaped.

It is believed that parenting ends when a child has reached 18. However in practice one can observe that as soon as a child becomes teenagers what we describe as difficult parents give up and leave the child to become the problem of the schools, social workers and society, especially when they have reached the age of 12 to 13 years.  Often times we hear parents say that they cannot cope with their child’s behaviour and that they are grown.  They cannot keep teaching their children lessons.

But what is parenting and when does it end? Jane B. Brooks in her book ‘The Process of Parenting’  explains that “Parenting or child rearing is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. Parenting refers to the aspects of raising a child aside from the biological relationship.” Based on this definition one could, as many do, take it to mean that once a child is an adult then the parenting ends. However, there are a few that will beg to differ, according to Dr Carl E. Pickhardt, a psychologist in private counselling and public lecturing practice in Austin, Texas who has written 15 books on parenting, argues that “There's one thing about parenting; it never stops. Once you become a parent you remain a parent the rest of your life.”

It is important that parents take their roles and responsibilities seriously. Parenting is a skill. Most importantly, which many adults fail to acknowledge, parenting is a continuous learning process. Being a parent does not mean one is always right. As a parent one is learning new things; one should also be able to adapt with changes in one’s life and that of their children as well. It is not acceptable to just throw in the towel; it is not acceptable to say “my children think they know it all.. I cannot be bothered”. Parenting is the most challenging task in a person’s life, however it is the most rewarding.

Often times when children are faced with challenging situations, like mental health issues such as depression, help from professionals are resisted by adults. No matter how bad the situation, there is failure to recognise the importance of psychologists or other bodies as a means of help.  Especially in Seychelles, it is not in our culture to seek help from professionals or outsiders. It is considered as a sign of weakness; a failure to raise our kids correctly.  Parents prefer to either keep addressing the issues they face with their kids the same way over and over again expecting things to be different. It is common knowledge that doing something the same way repeatedly yet expecting a different result is pure madness. This happens until it is too late and then it is the “mea culpa situation”. Questions like what could I have done or done sooner arises but the damage is done.

The recent death of 13-year-old Dylan Rose and the increasing number of videos being made public of children in primary schools included and adolescents smoking, drinking alcohol, bullying others, swearing and committing indecent acts to name a few are cases in point.  They show that there is an urgent need for good and active parenting. It is a plea for all parents and organisations to play an active role in encouraging effective parenting, promotion of values and for the right framework to be made available to support all families in Seychelles. It is also a call for our society to take care of our children’s mental health and wellbeing, to analyse the environment we expose children to as parents.

Now that we have a Ministry for Family Affairs the importance of parenting and the need to acquire parenting skills is strongly emphasised. It is parents that shape the future generation. The Seychelles National Youth Council has begun work in this direction whereby a session themed ‘Courage and effective communication’ was held with a group of fathers on June 1, 2017 at the SNYC Youth Centre. The session was to encourage fathers to take a more active role in their children’s lives and learn how to communicate with their children in ways which successfully produce the desired or intended result. It is hoped that such initiatives will continue but on a larger scale.

Parents your children are a reflection of your parenting. You are until you die your children’s role models. You are the ones who shape the future generation. Take care of your daughters’ and sons’ mental health and wellbeing always and never forget that parenting never ends! 

H. Felix