Mothers and fathers should share responsibilities |30 July 2016

When a man and a woman decide to have a child they are in fact taking on a big job and it will be hard work for the rest of their lives. We have heard the cliché ‘the most important thing you give your children is love’. Yes, obviously love is important but if this is all you give them, they would be missing out badly on some essential tools they need to live a fruitful, contented life.

In Seychelles we also have some matriarchal families. I have heard many men say that they have no power in their homes and that it is the mother who makes decisions; they also add that they are looked upon as the provider. This naturally where it is present, becomes a very frustrating situation and more so for the father.

While it is true that mother and father have different roles in the home, they should nevertheless be on agreement on the principles of guiding their home. They should take decisions together, after discussions or at least agree to disagree on controversial issues or compromise. Regarding the discipline they expect from their children they should have one voice. They should remember that children easily discover weak points in their parents and intelligently use them to their advantage. This is an area where parents must be very careful. Discussions regarding their children should be done privately and agreement reached. If this is not present their authority will be eroded and they will find it difficult to instill discipline in their home.

In spite of what I have just said, the mother and father have different roles vis-à-vis their children.

The father, as head of the family, is responsible for the physical well being of his family as well as their safety. He represents strength and courage to his children. If they are afraid they will seek help from him. If something is heavy he will be the one to be called for help.

The mother on the other hand represents tenderness, love, and understanding in the home. If the child is sick he will call his mother as he feels she knows how to ‘make it better’. If both parents use their inborn qualities God has gifted them with they can create a wonderful, conducive environment for their children to develop their potential and grow into responsible human beings.

The mother through her gifts of tenderness and love can transform her house into a real home if she sets her heart to it. I am sure that if us, women, use these qualities effectively the world will become a better place. I have witnessed an uneducated woman following our parenting session changed the atmosphere of her home from hell to a pleasant one by seriously trying to practice love, tenderness and understanding. She herself told me how she replaced anger, shouting and swearing by reasoning, helping, encouraging, gentleness and succeeded in building, a better environment for her family to live in. In the end they all became winners and the quality of their lives improved.

Parents are not only responsible to feed, clothe and shelter their children. They also should strive to provide an atmosphere of love, well being, security, encouragement and understanding which in turn will create a conducive environment for the development of the family’s potential. Each child has different gifts and if developed properly can in the end become the richness of the family.

Maybe one is good at Math, the other at languages, others at manual skills such as carpentry, painting, gardening etc. What an array of skills for the home to benefit from!

Parents have the duty and responsibility to help their children develop not only their body but also all the potential that God has endowed them with so that they become confident, have faith in themselves and develop their self-esteem and to ensure this holistic state in their children parents need to:

• Create a conducive environment in their home. The home should be a clean, pleasant place where they enjoy spending their time but not an exhibition room where everything has got to be in place. The home should show signs of free movement and living.

• Cleanliness of the home should be a shared responsibility so that the children develop a love for personal cleanliness.

• Children need guidance. We should supervise them but also give them the leeway to take decisions but at the same time foresee the pitfalls and guide them to good decisions making.

• Parents should themselves give examples of respect and responsibility in the home. They cannot expect their children to develop these values if they themselves do not practice it. Values are learnt through practice, repetition, action and examples.

• Organise activities involving the whole family. This does not only keep children busy but give them the joy of spending time together. Make sure that the children are never idle because with this is when temptation comes with the resultant ills.

• Make sure that your home is safe to avoid accidents. Dangerous things like petrol, medicine, matches, knives, etc should always be safely stored.

• If you have a child with a disability do not over protect him. Treat him as an ordinary child but at the same time giving attention to his special needs. Do not shower him with compassion as you will prevent him from using his skills and abilities.

• Spend quality time together. This provides an opportunity to know and understand each other as well as building bonds.

• When a member of the family has a problem do not only reprimand him but make him feel that he can rely on the family for him to be a better person.

• Establish a culture of dialogue in the home.

• Remember that the family that prays together stays together.

Contributed by Edwina Adrienne