Need for dialogue in the family |19 August 2016

A very competent and well known family counseller, Father Denis Sonnet, who has written many books on the subject says this “Dialogue is the life of a family. Without it the family is dead”.

This is very true. In the 21 years I have counselled couples, I have discovered that this is always the root cause of problems. If the couple do not express themselves or are not able to express themselves, for one reason or another slowly a crack starts in their relationship and this may lead to serious problems. I recall meeting a married woman who had initiated a divorce against her husband in a parenting workshop. She informed me of her reason to come to the workshop – to know how to deal with her children. After three morning sessions she asked to see me and owned up that through the workshop she had discovered that she too was at fault. I advised her to meet her husband and explain what she had just said but she could not muster the courage to do so. She completed the course and I met the group 3 months later for a review. Smiling she came to tell me that the divorce papers had been torn and they are back together. At last she had mustered the courage to discuss the situation and conclude the process in a happy way for herself, her husband and her children. This shows the value of dialogue.

It is important to realise that when we do not express ourselves, listen and understand the other’s view points we presume and very often presume wrongly. So it is important that there is good dialogue in a family, not only for the couple but also for the children.

I have so far used the word dialogue only whereas more often than not talking of this subject we use the word communication. Now let us examine the two words. 

Are they similar or different? 

Communication means passing information or expressing ideas.  What is being said may mean nothing to us and we are not interested because it does not affect us maybe. For example, lately there was an announcement about reduction of GOP fees for employing foreigners. Those of us who do not employ foreigners were not interested with the news.

On the contrary dialogue is more than just passing on information. It works in a much deeper way because in a dialogue with one or a few persons, we make the effort to understand the feelings of the person or persons we are talking to. If we do not understand his/their feelings we will not conclude the dialogue in a situation where all the participants leave in a contented state of mind.

That brings us to the next point. What should happen in a dialogue?

All participants should be passing and receiving messages so that they understand each other.  As we say “We should all be on the same wave-length”. An important point to remember is that dialogue does not mean only speaking. There are two elements – speaking and listening. Both actions should be performed with great care and attention. The reason for this is that messages can be sent in two different ways – verbally (speaking) or non verbally (listening/looking).

We interpret verbal messages not only through the words that are used, but also with the tone of voice, the speed with which the words are spoken as well as the pitch of the voice. When a person is angry he tends to use a loud voice, he may swear or stutter. The person listening will interpret this as anger. There are also the non-verbal messages – the way you hold yourself, expressions on your face, your look, gestures made. Maybe you distance yourself.

These are important issues in dialogue. The spoken words as well as the non-verbal messages should go together to help the listener interpret the feelings of the speaker. It is also vital for the one listening to understand that he too is sending messages without using any words. For example while the speaker is talking, the listener checks his watch. This is a clear message – “I am tired stop it”.

However for a dialogue to be effective we need to include in it some essential elements.

• We have to be sincere and honest. If we lie or give false information the listener cannot have confidence in us. If it involves a couple it is sure that trust will go off the window.
• We should not judge or condemn before listening to the person. If you have already put him in a category whatever he says will have no meaning for you. His talking to you is useless.
• Do not humiliate the other person. If a father is talking to his son and says “You are a gone case”. This is the end of the dialogue.  The son’s self esteem goes down and so does his trust in his father.
• If you are in the wrong admit it. This will not only clear the air but cause the listener to respect and trust you.
• When in a dialogue, it is important for everybody to speak clearly and express their feelings. Nothing should be left unsaid if you wish the problem to be solved.
• The listener should listen with his ears and eyes.  Remember the non-verbal messages help make things clearer so that you come to a safe conclusion.  He should also be looking at the speaker, and be interested and vigilant.
• The set-up for a dialogue is also important.  All participants should be comfortable.  It should also be the right place – no distraction.
• Things should not happen in a rush. All persons present should have a chance to talk and express his/her views. Timing is then paramount.

In conclusion I would say – give our relationship a chance. Let us not keep suffering in silence because we will develop wounds which will fester and one day explode. Let us also keep our eyes open to recognise the suffering of people around us – our immediate neighbours – members of our family. I recall speaking to a person at the sudden death of a relative and I asked whether the dead relative had complained of any ailments. I was told no. However I met with the dead person six months before and she talked about certain health problems. Yet her own, relatives did not hear about them. Why? May be she felt rejected or that nobody cared and listened to her. Let us use our dialogue effectively to build contented happy families.

Edwina Adrienne

President of Association for the Promotion of Solid, Humane Families