When love hurts: Emotional bullying in romantic relationships |09 December 2016

Recently we have witnessed a nationwide uproar on the subject of bullying. Multiple videos of a couple of school kids carrying out heinous acts among each other surfaced onto social media. And now there is a national upheaval. But bullying is an age old disease that has long plagued society. However, we are currently living in a society where technology is at everyone’s disposal and it is now common to take pictures or film an event and share it to a wider audience through social media.

From what I’ve seen on social media, the concept of bullying is being limited to schools, children (mostly teens) and now recently cyber bullying, which seems to be popular among adults. Unfortunately, people seem to forget that bullying is a great big tree with many branches. This is why I have chosen to shed some light on the matter of bullying in romantic relationships and be a voice for those without a voice.

A quick Google search on the definition of bullying brings this up:  “Bullying is the use of superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.” Other synonyms came up to better understand the subject, such as: “Persecute, oppress, tyrannize, browbeat, harass, torment, intimidate, strong-arm and dominate.”

Given the term “use of superior strength”, one could argue that in romantic relationships the only form of bullying that exists is domestic violence, where the most obvious external signs are physical traumas, but no, there is an equally, if not more, callous monster known as “emotional abuse/bullying”.

Victims of emotional abuse are not always aware of their circumstances. Why is that so? Not necessarily because love is said to be blind, but because victims of emotional abuse are slowly brainwashed by the bullies in such a way that they seldom see it coming and hence misclassify such abusive actions as love.

All emotional bullies retain the same modus operandi, which is:

• Verbal aggression (e.g. saying something that upsets or annoys the victim)
• Dominant behaviour (e.g. preventing the victim from contacting their friends and family)
• Jealous behaviour (e.g. accusing the victim of maintaining other parallel relations).

These are what help the bully isolate and brainwash their victim, and they are usually followed up with sugar-coated apologies and declarations of undying love preceding an intense dosage of threats. How many of you are familiar with this scenario? “You are such an idiot! Can’t you do anything right? You are doing it wrong! Let me show you how to do it right. You are useless without me, if not for me who else would want to be with you?”. After rendering a blow similar to this one, the abuser usually follows up with excuses as to why they said those things, attributing it to love, with statements such as “I only do it because I love you, you made me angry and now I feel bad. No wonder your friends treat you like they do, they probably laugh about you behind your back”.

Emotional abuse can be anything from the verbal aggression of constant criticism to more elusive tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be contented, which makes the victim lose self-esteem in addition to having absolute devotion towards the abuser. With the manipulation of the victim's emotions, the victim eventually fails to recognise his/her own feelings about issues the abuser is trying to control. This results in the victim’s loss of self-perception as well as independence. It breaks them in such a way that it takes forever to recover, and even then, the scars still remain.

A recovering victim of emotional abuse I spoke to asked me to share their story with others, to help show them that they are not alone, and in turn help others identify whether they are involved with a partner who is an emotional bully.

“I always felt bad every time my former partner got angry because I believed I brought out that anger by not being good enough, I believed that I deserved the ‘tough love’. He always told me no one else would ever want to put up with me. I had reached a point in my life where I saw my friends and family as complete strangers, even enemies, the only person I trusted was him. I only believed in him, and my fear of being alone because I was so worthless made me worship him. He eventually became physically violent and I also accepted that. I believed that I deserved every slap, every punch, every kick and even the dislocated jaw. I deserved all of it because I was worthless, I was mediocre, and my ex was treating me as I deserved to be. No one knew what I went through. To date, my family, friends and everyone around us still believe we were the ‘perfect couple’, because my partner always acted like a perfect gentleman around others. We were always together, we were the couple they thought was happy and would last forever. I thought the same, only because it was what I had been led to believe.

“I did not realise how messed up I was. I started losing weight at an alarming rate. I was sickly and weak from malnutrition. However, I still believed that I was happy. I still believed that I was loved. I even believed that this is what everyone’s love life is like. If not for a colleague having caught me discreetly crying at my desk one day and gently interrogating me about what ailed me after another abusive episode. This time, my then-partner had insulted and threatened me because I had not answered my having not taken his call when I was in a meeting with my superiors. If not for this colleague, I would not have realised how wrong it was that my then-partner, who was unemployed and living off me, described my career as something unimportant.

“Although I eventually managed to leave that relationship, I still carry the scars with me, I am still insecure at times, and still paranoid, still scared that I may end up in that sort of situation again. This makes it hard for me be in a relationship again no matter how many years have gone by. The honest truth is that I am broken, and although I’ve glued the pieces back together, I can still see the crack pattern and fear that it may all come undone”.

This is just one of many stories, just one of many victims, just one of multiple survivors. For those of you who are going through something similar, talk to someone, you are not alone, you are never alone. Save yourself while you still can. For those of you who have a loved one who has suddenly become distant, don’t dismiss it as “each to his own life”. Instead, reach out and see if they are not suffering in silence. You may help end a bullying situation.

(If you are uncertain of whether or not you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, please find the time to take a short test found on http://www.thecalculator.co/personality/Emotional-Abuse-Test-541.html#!)

Hanifa Françoise