Bullying ‒ I’m a survivor |02 June 2017

As a survivor of bullying, throughout my childhood, adolescence and as an adult, mostly in my personal life, but at times in the workplace, needless to say, this is very hard to write, but I hope at the end of it, this lightens the invisible load carried by anyone who has ever experienced bullying. 

I recently listened to a motivational speech, in which the survivor of bullying referred to it as a “campaign”. I agree, in my experience it has been much like propaganda being spread against me. Here is what you need to know about me: I am your average very flawed individual. I am clumsy, always very confused and a world-class weirdo. I am also one of the most loving people you will ever meet. My bullies were not strangers, they were people who knew me intimately. For reasons that I mostly do not understand, these people chose to turn their backs on me, and that’s perfectly fine, this is a life choice, as adults, we no longer need to have friends we don’t feel add value to our lives. 

I accepted this choice without any problems and tried to carry on with my life peacefully. However, what ensued were nasty rumours spread about myself, as well as members of my family at times. These rumours spread like wildfire and, of course, people chose to believe the worst about me. Friends and acquaintances would suddenly turn into strangers and ignore me when I would greet them, some would make a special effort to show me that they wanted to be rude to me, and in a few extreme cases, I would be shoved in public, as a sign of pure hatred towards me. This is what I have had to live with for years and years, being treated with pure hatred. Permanent bullying and victimisation at every turn became my reality. This eventually affected me in my work as Seychelles is small, and colleagues who didn’t know the first thing about me, chose to believe what they heard as well. My work at times also became very difficult because of this, as I would receive special treatment of the very negative kind on regular occasions in the work place. 

As a coping mechanism, I eventually became a hermit. I only left the house for work, I never went out, I spent most of my time indoors, afraid of the world outside which was turning uglier at every turn. I wore a smile whenever I did leave the house, however on the inside, I felt bruised, battered and worthless, like I was in a big black hole that I felt I would never leave. I thought that this is all I deserve in life, and came very close to ending it. 

I dealt with this year in year out for a good few years, I never asked my bullies to stop as they carried on with spreading their negativity. I never sought counselling, I never reported it to any authority as there was no relevant one to go to in Seychelles. I only had the support of my very small family who, at times, didn’t know how to help me in a situation that was completely out of our control. 

Bullying strips you of every feeling of normalcy. You live with permanent fear for the future. I suffered the textbook repercussions: anxiety, severe depression and eventual physical illness. I was in pain that I can’t describe. I was no longer me, and my other personal relationships suffered massively because of it. 

One fine day, four years after all this started, I woke up and realised I could no longer live this sad life! I realised that I was still in control of my own happiness, regardless of public opinion and hateful people. I started exercising, going on beach adventures around the island, and eventually made friends with people I never imagined I’d have the pleasure of getting to know, re-connected with childhood friends that I didn’t even know cared about me. 

I eventually learned the truth: I am worthy of respect, as much as any human being on this planet. There is, under no circumstance, no excuse for making someone’s life a living hell, even disagreements, a change of heart, or any opposing opinion. There is no excuse for emotionally abusing a person. 

A friend of mine, who is a mental health practitioner, once told me: “There is absolutely no difference between a murderer and someone who makes a special effort to destroy your life”. My friend is right: bullying kills someone’s spirit and soul. We all deserve basic respect, regardless of who we are and our life choices, as long as they are not criminal, and even so, a certain amount of empathy must be shown even to people who make such severe mistakes. We are all human.  

For my fellow survivors of bullying, here are some important things you need to know, some of which are the ugly truth, but necessary to keep in mind: 

● NO your bully DOES NOT CARE that they are hurting you ‒ they are living their lives, succeeding in their goals, and enjoying watching you become a recluse – do not do that to yourself.

● NO THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU – there IS something wrong with your bully though. It is absolutely not normal for a human being to knowingly make an effort to cause pain and suffering, that’s what sociopaths do. 

● YES YOU CAN SURVIVE ‒ you are not alone. Seek help if you have to where you feel safe. Open your heart to all people and possibilities, make new friends, spoil yourself, exercise, learn something new, set yourself new goals, be your unique and true self wherever you go, and the right people will love you and treat you with the respect that you deserve. 

● CAUTION: Sadly you WILL meet more people throughout your life who will treat you badly, use and abuse you, and no they won’t care about the scars you already bare. They will come to you with masks of friendship and concern, and will find entertainment in your suffering. Be cautious and keep healthy boundaries between yourself and people you are not sure of. 

● MUSIC IS YOUR BEST FRIEND ‒ it takes all the pain away. So does dancing. 

● DO NOT waste a single precious moment of your life on people who try to bring you down, focus on the ones who treat you with kindness ‒ they are the only ones who count. 

● NEVER FIGHT BACK – a wise man once said: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that”. 

● IT GETS BETTER – You can survive and thrive while you are doing it, focus on the right things in life, and all the right things will come to you. 

As for me, I still live with so much love in my heart. My bullying experience has hurt me, but the truth is I turned it all around. I continue to build myself up with the bricks people throw at me. 

By:  Never a victim, always a Survivor.