Children and separation |07 August 2021

Not every couple stay together even after they have had children. Some parents decide to stay together until the youngest has reached a certain age in order to protect them. In case of separation, the adults must be able to support each other, talk calmly and regularly for the sake of the children involve.

To be suddenly deprive of a parent is more difficult for young children to understand than for teenagers. To a certain extent, the teenager is able to put into words what he or she is going through and to sort things out. A baby cannot.

Between the ages of 8 and 12, children are very sensitive to justice and the search for fairness. Therefore, they want to be fair to both parents and seek to please both. If they draw a picture for one of their parents, they would want to draw a picture for the other too. They may also feel guilty about the parent, that they do not spend the weekend with, and worry that the parent is sad and lonely. It is therefore important to reassure them.

On the other hand, the reaction of a teenager to a parental divorce can vary. Some manage to sort things out, but others may pretend that this does not affect them, or they may take sides and lecture their parents. Therefore, it is important to maintain a dialogue with your older child if separation occurs.

Maintaining parental relationship

Even after separation, you can succeed in your parental relationship by maintaining a stable environment for the child to grow in.

Remember that the child needs both parents and his or her well-being must come above everything else.

Should the children be involved in the discussion about separation?

Children do not have to be involved in their parents’ life choices. However, parents must keep their children informed, because it is important for them to know what is happening.

For older children, they must be consulted on certain issues, but certainly, not the most important ones.

Tips for talking to children about separation:

• Make it easy for your children to love both parents
• Reassure them of unconditional love of both parents
• Tell the truth, keep the explanations simple and focus on the basic
• Be civil – do not criticise or belittle the other parent in front of the children
• Reassure your children that the separation has nothing to do with them

Things to avoid:

• Do not be the messenger – Try to avoid using your children as messengers between the two of you, because this will show your children that you cannot talk honestly or directly to each other.
• I spy ‒ Avoid asking your child to report on the other parent.
• Name calling – Saying bad things about the other parent has a destructive effect on children. They may think it is OK to do so at school too and eventually, lead to a lack of respect for their elders.
• Competing activities ‒ When children visits, give them a good time and reasonable gifts. Do not set up competing activities as it may spoil the children’s pleasure of spending time with either parent.
• Putting pressure on children – Avoid pressuring your children to take sides in situations, such as ‘I want to keep the house for the children but he wants to sell it.’

Parental agreement:

It is usually best for everyone involved if parents come to a suitable agreement, which focuses on the needs and best interests of the child.  Both parents must agree on what sort of assistance or care they will each give to the child even before separation happens.

When making a parenting plan or agreement consider the following:

-           the age of the child

-           who is best placed to provide the day to day care of the child

-           any special needs the child has such as medical or school

-           educational, social and emotional needs

-           practical considerations such as accommodation, transport and expenses.

-           child’s own views and wishes

-           the safety and well-being of the child

As children grow, their needs change and parents may have to update their parental agreement. This means that even if couples decide to go their separate ways, the children they have together must continue to feel loved by both.

Additionally, the new partner must learn to live in this setting and contribute in the well-being of the children. It is not the child’s fault that his or her parents decide not to stay together. Therefore, as parents, we must not let them suffer because of it.

Contributed by NCC