Effective and healthy discipline strategies   |16 October 2021

This week we talk about effective and healthy discipline strategies. There’s a lot of confusion around the standard for discipline of children: should we spank or should we counsel? Hmmm!! I know many of you out there are thinking we cannot discipline a child without a small spank. In Seychelles, we do have a law protecting the children.

Under the Children Act, part VI, it specifically says: “Without prejudice to sections 162 (Desertion of children) or 163 (Neglecting to provide food etc. for children) of the Penal Code, a person who has the custody, charge or care of a child and who wilfully - (a) assaults or ill-treats that child; or (b) neglects, abandons or exposes that child in a manner likely to cause him unnecessary suffering, moral danger or injury to health (including injury to or loss of sight, hearing, limb or organ of the body and any mental derangement) is guilty of an offence.”

A person may be convicted of an offence under this section notwithstanding - (a) that actual suffering, moral danger or injury to health was prevented by the action of another person; (b) the death of the child.

Where a person is charged with the manslaughter of a child of whom he had the custody, charge or care and the court is of the opinion that he is not guilty of that offence but that he is guilty of an offence under this section, he may be convicted of an offence under this section although he was not charged with it.

A person guilty of an offence under this section is liable to imprisonment for five years and to a fine of R50,000.

It also notes that “Nothing in this section affects the right of a parent, guardian, teacher or other person having the lawful control or charge of a child to administer proper punishment to him if that punishment does not contravene subsection.”

Many parents sometimes lose control of the situation and automatically use physical punishment. We are not here to preach on how you should discipline your child, but please remember your child’s safety comes first and no matter you do or say please remember they are growing up and they are fragile human beings.

I will conclude with this quotation: “While the physical discipline of children is an acceptable part of their education and training, such actions are to be carried out ‘gently and patiently’ and with ‘loving care’, far removed from the anger and violence with which children are beaten and abused in some parts of the world. To treat children in such an abhorrent manner is a denial of their human rights, and a betrayal of the trust which the weak should have in the community. Parents should gently and patiently inculcate principles of moral conduct and initiate their children into the principles and teachings with tactful and loving care.”

Compiled by Vidya Gappy

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Your child – Discipline

As a parent, one of your jobs is to teach your child to behave. This does take time and patience. However, it helps to learn the effective and healthy discipline strategies. The National Council for Children (NCC) recommends the following positive discipline strategies that effectively teach children to manage their behaviour and keep them from harm while promoting a healthy development.

1)        Show and tell. Teach children right from wrong, with calm words and actions. Model behaviours you would like to see in your children. (For example, “Oh, no, I have broken daddy’s mug. I have to tell him and say sorry.”)

2)        Set Limits. Have clear and consistent rules your children can follow. Be sure to explain these rules in age-appropriate terms they can understand. (For example, “You can watch TV till 9.00pm, then it’s bedtime. If you sleep early you will not feel tired tomorrow.”

3)        Give consequences. Calmly and firmly explain the consequences if they do not behave. For example:“If you do not pick up your toys, you will not use it again for the rest of the day.” Be prepared to follow through right away. Do not give in by giving them back after a few minutes. Remember, never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.

4)        Hear them out. Listening is important. Let your child tell you things, but do not solve everything for them. Let them try to find solutions for themselves and hear the joyous -“I did it!” after he/she has put on their own shirt or shoes. Watch for times when misbehaviour has a pattern, for example – your child starts misbehaving at 7 in the evening might mean that he or she is always tired at that time. As your child gets older, talk to them about their behaviour. For example, “Why do you cry when mummy asks you to take a bath?” The answer you receive might help both you and the child come up with a solution, which in this case might be more effective than applying a consequence to a misbehaviour relating to not wanting to take a bath.

5)        Give them your attention. Children are always seeking for approval and attention of their parents. Therefore, the most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention. This reinforces good behaviours and discourage others.

6)        Catch them being good. Give children plenty of attention for good behaviour. Point it out, praise their success and their good attempts. Be specific. (For example, “Wow, you did a good job putting that toy away!”

7)        Know when not to respond. Ignoring bad behaviour can also teach children natural consequences of their actions. For example, if your child keeps drawing on the wall and cleaning it after. It will not be long before they stop doing it altogether. If he or she is crying loudly, screaming, stumping, let he or she cry. Ignoring your child in this instance, means you do not condone their behaviour. Tell them, “When you finish, you can come to me.” Then walk away to a safe distance.

8)        Be prepared for trouble. Plan for situations when your child might have trouble behaving. Prepare your child for upcoming activities and tell them in advance what you expect of them. (For example, “We are going shopping, if you help mummy and you do not ask anything, you will be allowed to buy something for yourself, using the small coins the shopkeeper gives me.”

9)        Redirect bad behaviour. Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored and do not know any better. Find something else for your child to do. For example, if they cannot play puzzles with the others, give them crayons instead. Your children keep breaking things in the room and making a mess? Take them somewhere more spacious such as the playground or the beach.

10)      Call a time-out. A time-out can be especially useful when a specific rule is   

broken. Apply this tool by first warning your child that they will get a time out if they do not stop what they are doing. If this misbehaviour persists tell them in a few words what they did wrong – and with little emotions. Then remove them from the situation for a length of time you think is reasonable. As your child gets older, you can try letting them lead their own time-out by saying, “Take a time-out and come back when you feel ready to say sorry.” This strategy, which can help the child learn and practice self-management skills, also works well with teenagers.

Spanking and harsh words are harmful and do not work. Here is why:

Focus on teaching good behaviour rather than punishing bad behaviour. Research shows that spanking, slapping and other forms of physical punishment do not work well to correct a child’s behaviour. The same holds true for yelling at or shaming a child. Beyond being ineffective, harsh physical and verbal punishments can also damage a child’s long-term physical and mental health.

•           Spanking’s unhealthy cycle. When you hit a child and lash out your anger, you are showing that as an adult you lack self-control and therefore, you are teaching him or her aggression and anger. The more frequent you hit the child the more they will misbehave later, which will prompt more spankings. The effect of hitting a child goes beyond the parent-child relationship. It teaches the child that causing pain to someone else is ok, even if you love the other person. You are teaching them that if you hit someone, you will get what you want.
•           Lasting marks. Physical punishment increases the risk of injury, especially in infants, and may leave other unseen marks on the brain and on the body. When a child is used to being spanked, he or she has a constant increase in level of hormones, which leaves them exposed to toxic stress, which can severely affect the brain and development. Similarly, research has shown that physical punishment causes a reduction in grey matter in the part of the brain involved in self-control. Furthermore, children prone to physical abuse, perform lower on IQ tests.
•           Verbal Abuse: Words hurt. Yelling at children and using words to cause emotional pain or shame, can be ineffective and harmful. Harsh verbal discipline, even by parents who are otherwise warm and loving, can lead to more misbehaviour and mental health problems in children. Research shows that harsh verbal discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may lead to more behaviour problems and symptoms of depression in teenagers.

Learn from mistakes – including your own

Remember that, as a parent, you can give yourself a time out if you feel out of control. Just make sure your child is in a safe place and then give yourself a few minutes to take a few deep breaths, relax or call a friend. When you are feeling better, go back to your child, hug each other and start over.

If you do not handle a situation well the first time, try not to worry about it. Think about what you could have done differently and try to do it better the next time. If you feel you have made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait and cool down, apologise to your child, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future. Be sure to keep your promise. This gives your child a good model of how to recover from mistakes.

For further References: https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/142/6/e20183112

Contributed by the National Council for Children (NCC) / Ministry of Family Affairs, Youth and Sports.

Copyright: https://www.verywellfamily.com/types-of-child-discipline-1095064

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