Family violence hurts children too |13 November 2021

You may think children do not worry when their parents fight and argue. You may even observe that they keep on doing what they were doing while you and your partner are screaming or yelling at each other. However, this does not mean that they are not affected by any disturbances within the household.

Why do we fight?

Every family has their own challenges but the difference is how they resolve them. Not all family members will get along or agree on some issues or way of doing things. However, when families resort to violence it usually escalates and simply, gets out of control. The minor disputes are firstly resolved by using verbal means, such as harsh words, shouting and screaming. When this does not work, the adults use physical abuse, such as throwing things and hitting and finally the use of objects such as knives. This is the point of no return for all the individuals in the family where they must seek help from the authority or professionals, and more importantly find safety for the children.

They just do not forget

Children who witness domestic violence are emotionally scarred especially, when violence occurs between people they love. Although they may not say anything, they can be deeply disturbed by what they see or experience. The initial response of a child to violence may be crying, hiding away from the violent scene or they may even try to deviate the adult’s attention from the argument by screaming. However, the fear, anger and helplessness, which they cannot express directly, can have other serious consequences.

What effect does family violence have on children?

Infants, for example, cannot say that they are afraid whenever an argument starts. However, parents can notice changes in their sleeping patterns, and more importantly, they can show extreme reactions to loud noises.

Toddlers on the other hand can have low self-esteem and display extreme shyness. It is as if they expect something bad to happen anytime and are always afraid. In addition, they may be prone to hitting, biting and getting into trouble in pre-school as they are accustomed to seeing their parents express themselves this way. The effect of household disruptions may affect a small child so much that he or she may miss regular milestones in their physical and mental developments.

Some children may continue to experience several of the symptoms mentioned throughout their lives. Some symptoms may worsen and instead of hitting and biting, some children may start lying, stealing and bed-wetting.

In their teenage years, children from violent households are prone to self-harm and substance abuse. Being unhappy at home and unsure how to protect those they love, they tend to be delinquents or in the worst case scenario, may even run away.

The oldest sibling may also take the role of caretaker in order to protect others from the violence at home. Due to their own personal development, if violence amplifies, parents may notice that their teenager intervenes and start participating in the argument. This is both as a guise of protecting the parent that he or she loves and because they feel this is a ‘normal’ behaviour within their family setting.

Long-term effects of violence

Children who have seen their parents harm or scream at each other may grow up behaving in a similar manner towards their younger siblings. When they have their own family, they may be abusive to their partners and children, while others may feel powerless to deal with similar traumas in their own relationship, which may lead to depression or substance abuse.

Who are the abusers?

Parents in abusive relationship come from all walks of life. Abusers and victims may be well educated and may even be respectable figures in the community. They may however have been abused or have lived in an abused household as a child. Additionally, a violent partner may have low self-esteem, low self-confidence, lack trust and communication skills. A person who cannot communicate can only use violence as a means of disciplining and to earn respect of their partners and children.

Remember that abusive behaviour are acquire early in life

It is unfair to say that all of those who have grown up in a violent household will become violent themselves. Some adults may opt for an alternative family setting by seeking help for themselves and their partners.

How do families try to hide their problems?

• By pretending this is not happening to them.
• By making up a story about what happened, especially to hide the bruises.
• By pretending everything is OK and that it is not ‘that’ bad.
• By isolating the children. For example, by keeping them in a room or sending them to a neighbour when things start getting out of hand or by telling them not to say anything and not involving those in the discussions after the violent incident had happened.

What can we do to help?

Children often compare their families with that of their friend’s or a relative’s. They think that other families do not have such problems. This is often not the case, as many families hide their problems or are just better at solving them without resorting to violence. Many parents tell their children that what goes on inside the home is not everybody’s business. Therefore, they will hide their anxieties and fears from other relatives, their friends and even their teachers. If parents do not want their children to talk to other people they trust, they must provide the opportunity for their children to talk about what happened, ask them how they feel about it and what actions they think should be taken to improve things.

When violence occurs, remind your child that:

• That this is not their fault.
• They are special and that they are loved, in spite of everything.
• That they are not alone.

Parents, remember that when violence occurs in your home your children are suffering. Therefore, seek help for you and your partner and more importantly, seek help for your child’s sake.

Contributed by the National Council for Children (NCC)/Ministry of Family Affairs, Youth and Sports