Practical Positive Parenting – some thoughts to share (PART 1) |23 November 2019
‘No one can tell you how to raise your children, you can only help yourself’
With all the talk about corporal punishment and laws protecting the child, Seychelles NATION contacted Lucy Barois, head teacher of the Children’s House, Bel Air, the original Montessori Primary and Preschool. She is a qualified Montessori teacher (nursery and primary) and teacher trainer. She holds a BA in Early Childhood Studies and MA in Educational Leadership and Management. Most importantly Miss Barois is a parent to four children, born and raised in the Seychelles. Her passion is helping small children to realise themselves as powerful beings.
“My job as a parent is to support children in becoming their glorious selves,” said Miss Barois.
Seychelles NATION: What is parenting?
Lucy Barois: We can take comfort in knowing that 99% of the families around the world have never had training in the parenting career. How we raise our children will depend on our own firsthand experience; deep memories of our own upbringing. But there are also a plethora of books, papers, articles, research and information out there about parenting. Friends and families are quick to give advice and wise words particularly from the grandmother.
The proof of your success as a parent is manifested in the 16-year-old, when the hormones are cruising and your young adult child becomes a mini you. If you have been shouting and smacking your child, you will surely get the brunt of this as your child comes of age.
Parents of small children would be wise to reflect on the quote from Kahlil Gibran: ‘Your children are not our children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you they belong not to you.…..’ bearing in mind that we, as parents do not own our children but are life guides, assisting their growth and development.
Social situation, political, economic, cultural and family setting, creates a unique set of characteristics which will influence parenting styles, routines and practices, no one situation is the same. Considering that small children learn primarily within a social premise, it is vital that a child’s social and emotional development is nurtured with utmost care.
It was some months ago that I offered to speak on positive parenting skills at the Soroptimist Healthathon and preparation for this led me to reflect again on the importance of positive parenting.
Seychelles NATION: But who does actually have the authority to be an expert on parenting?
Lucy Barois: We can be judgmental when we see a child having a tantrum in STC, we can criticise our friends when their children turn to drugs. But when it comes down to parenting our own children our aspirations to be an honest, respectful, loving parent often fly out of the window.
When we make mistakes and lash out at our child, all may look fine on the outside, but it is the inner child who is suffering. And with the rise in mental health issues it is time now to consider what is really going on in the early years, the crucial time when the foundation of human characteristics are laid.
Throughout my career as early childhood teacher, I have encountered literally thousands of families from around the world. Parenting styles are tremendously varied, but they are all visible through the child.
We work with children who are lacking in self-confidence, independence, self-esteem, those who tell stories, lie, are aggressive and who are anxious, shy or timid. On the other hand there are children who are joyous, confident, sociable, loving, curious and oozing self-esteem. They do not reflect or mirror their parent’s character traits, but they are directly impacted by them. Their own growth and development is characterised by their parents’ parenting methods and attitudes. Children are how the parents treat them. They become adults through their parents and bring with them the baggage that has been piled on by the adults who raised them.
Seychelles NATION: How do we get it right or wrong? How do we know if we are damaging our children or raising them to be strong, beautiful characters who are going to contribute positively to the society and lead happy fullfilling lives?
Lucy Barois: Too much parenting can deprive children of the space to make independent choices and take risks, or the space to slake their natural curiosity and space to be quiet with thoughts and experiences of life at a child’s pace.
Good advice to parents is to look at the big picture.
Seychelles NATION: What/how/who would we like our children to be when they are adults?
Lucy Barois: Usually not like us, but how can we expect children to be any different from us if we are the role models? We know we have bad habits, we can be lazy, inconsiderate, selfish, lack in integrity, be arrogant, and all the other characteristics that we don’t want our child to copy, but they will.
He will absorb and mimic all that you do, from the moment he is born, that is how children learn.
When we think about raising children we need to have a good long look at ourselves.
We do not have to be perfect but we do need to be perfect role models.
How do we manage our own anger?
How do we ensure our daily habits are healthy?
How do we demonstrate empathy, tact, helpfulness, love, compassion?
How do we show that we care?
How do we show resilience?
How do we show understanding, interest and sincerity?
Probably not often enough.
We are so tangled up in the material world around us; what we have, what we want, what we eat, dress, think about others, that we neglect the big items, the love, and more importantly the time to be.
To be compassionate, to be loving, to be caring, to be healthy, to be kind.
Time to demonstrate the positive human traits, that we want children to copy.
But what is a good job!
We can so easily become overwhelmed by the responsibility of being a parent, it is such a vital task, and it is our greatest contribution to the world.
There is so much good advice to share with parents, or just Google parenting. It will tell you to listen three times as much as you talk, think before you speak and clarify your own values before you pass them onto your child.
I can share with you how to manage tantrums, bed time routines, and table manners. I can show you how to set up your child’s bedroom so they can learn how to keep it tidy by themselves. But I cannot show you how to listen, how to laugh, how to share enjoyment in the small things in life, such as the sunset, a beautiful flower, these are the precious moments you need to share and magnify in your lives now.
A parent practicing positive parenting styles displays inner confidence with elements of self-love, self-knowledge, clear goals and positive thinking. The outer confidence revolves around good communication skills, self-presentation, assertiveness and most importantly self-control of emotions.
These positive human traits can only be nurtured through adults and parents who themselves are emotionally stable, aware and present.
Compiled by Vidya Gappy
