How to cope with grief and loss? |04 September 2021

Death is birth: we can’t have one without the other. That said, this does not deny the excruciating pain we all feel when a loved one dies. It can be extremely difficult to cope with such a loss.

As an adult, two years back I lost my mum and it came as a shock to me. I am still ‘dealing’ with it as on top of that I am in a different country so I cannot comfort my dad who is getting old. I could not believe how I got affected with that sudden effect and I am grateful to my family here in Seychelles for supporting me in my adaptation without a mother. I felt completely lost and depressed.

Now imagine when a child goes through a similar experience. In Seychelles, we are having some orphans or semi-orphans where their parents have died because of serious illness such as cancer, Covid-19 or accidents. How are we accompanying these children in dealing with this situation? Are there professionals out there who can help these children? Recently the reigning Miss Seychelles, Kelly-Mary Annette, launched her association ‘Maylene’s Hope Foundation’ through which she organises some activities for the children who have lost a loved one.

I will conclude this intro with her words: “Often time, one of the parents say that their child does not need counselling and they are providing for all the things that he or she needs even if the mother or father has passed away! The point is that the child has a soul and not all of them can express their feelings. It is important for us to provide this platform so that they can express themselves freely when they are among other children going through the same situation as theirs.”

The foundation also caters for parents who have lost their partner.

If you know any child/parent who is going through such a difficult situation please feel free to call the hotline of Maylene’s Hope Foundation on 2590906 or email on maylenefoundation@gmail.com or call National Council for Children on 4283900.

Vidya Gappy

***********

Grief and loss

Children experience loss in various ways from the death of a loved pet, a close friend moving away and more traumatic are separation and divorce. Families may also experience loss through the illness and death of a family member.

A change in familiar places and people and having to start all over is very stressful for children and especially more so for adolescents. Such loss may cause them to feel vulnerable and insecure. They may not understand what has happened and even blame themselves for it.

When families separate

For a child, separation is very unsettling and confusing. Parents need to keep their children informed of their circumstances and discuss the changes that will happen because of the separation. Children need to be reassured that both parents will continue to love them even though they no longer live together.

How children cope with loss

• Acting younger than their age. This shows that this is too much for them to bear and they are trying to get a grip of what has happened.

• Trying to excel at school or at home to conceal their pain.

• Unable to concentrate at school and becoming preoccupied with their feelings.

• Always defending someone else as a means of protecting others from the pain they are feeling.

• Showing anger and hostility in play towards their toys, brothers, sisters or parents.

How can parents help?

Everyone needs time to adjust to changes and deal with feelings of grief and loss. Children and young people may not want to tell you what they are feeling for fear they will upset you or make you angry. Your own feelings may be so strong that you may not notice or feel able to cope with what your children need.

There are a number of ways parents can help their children cope with loss. These include:

• Reminding them that they are loved and that you are there for them.

• Letting them know that it is not their fault.

• Answering any questions, they may have in an open and honest way and where possible involve them in discussions about decisions that may affect them.

• Being tolerant of their behaviours because this may be the only way they can express how they are feeling.

• Talking regularly about your own feelings, which shows that you are also feeling what they may be feeling. Let them also cry, talk or express their anger in a safe way.

• Encouraging them to talk to someone, they trust.

Find support for yourself as this is the key to surviving difficult times

when there is a death in the family

Pre-school children see death as temporary and reversible like the cartoon characters they see on television. By the age of 9, children start to think more like adults and may find it difficult to accept that death has happened to a close one or someone they know. As well as the shock and confusion, a child feels from the death of a family member; they can also be affected by the adults’ own feelings. Some adults may find it difficult to cope with the emotional and physical needs of their children.

The control measures that have to be applied due to the pandemic have resulted in many families not having been able to say goodbye in person, or physically be there when their loved one passed. Moreover, the death was possibly sudden, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and unprepared. You may have felt isolated from your normal support networks and found the funeral service especially hard given physical distancing restrictions.

What can you do to help you deal with such grief or loss

• Do not hold back your feelings. Talk through your difficult emotions with loved ones.
• Say your goodbyes. In your own time, find yourself a quiet place. Say what you wanted to say to them as if they were still there. The where and how do not really matter because the goodbye is a conversation you have in your heart.
• Grieve your way. No one can tell you how to feel. Your grief is personal. It depends on the relationship you had with your loved one.
• Be patient. Do not pressure yourself with expectations. Accept that you need to experience your pain, your emotions and your own way of healing all in your own time.
• Be prepared. There will be events and moments, in future, that will trigger your memories and sadness. Seek out for family support or survivors of grief who have been through the same experience.
• Get in touch with the memories of the person you have lost. Look at photos, videos and other materials you have that help you remember them. You could even create a space dedicated to the person where you put pictures or other sentimental objects. For example, put together a memory book or a virtual memorial online filled with photos and stories of your loved one. Create a scrapbook with your children, or write a short biography about your loved one. 
• Connect with others who also knew the person. Ask others to share their stories about your loved one such as their successes, projects, personality, qualities and their weaknesses.
• Go on family outings. Connect with your family by going on trips together to places that hold special significance, either to your lost loved one or to special family places.
• Consider using creative outlets such as art, music or writing, to help you deal with your grief.
• Get additional assistance. You may choose to talk to a counsellor about your feelings if you are finding it impossible to believe and acknowledge that the person has gone or you are thinking that life is pointless and not worth living or you are scared of your own death and you are battling to care for yourself.
• Engage in personal self-care. Consider what helps you to relax, feel nourished in mind and body, and what is enjoyable. Some examples are taking a brief walk, listening to music, going to the beach, gardening and phone/virtual communication with friends and family.
• Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for all the things you did or did not say or do. Compassion and forgiveness for yourself and others are important in healing.
• Draw comfort from your faith. Join a support group, talk to your spiritual leader or attend a prayer group.
• Create a memorial table filled with items that were important to the life being mourned.
• Find others who have gone (or are going) through similar losses to help you feel less alone and confused about what is going on.
• Talk about the loved one, how much you miss them, and your good memories of that person.

Contributed by Gerard Lim Sam, manager of Psychology and Counselling Section/National Council for Children/Ministry of Family Affairs, Youth and Sports