Single parenting |11 September 2021

Raising children as a single parent is different in many ways from parenting in a two-parent household. While some people choose single parenting others have it forced upon them.

How is single parenting different?

Single parents are more likely to involve their child in the day-to-day running of the family. Children in this family setting have more chores and responsibilities, which include taking care of themselves.

Single parents find themselves confiding in their child on issues they would have otherwise share with an adult, such as what to buy and plans for the weekend.

Parents and children have to get used to the going back and forth between homes to allow for the single parent to work or as a condition of access.

Children who have been used to many liberties at home find it difficult to cope at school because they expect to be treated in the same way by teachers.

What parents need to think about:

Even if you are alone, your child must still do the things that are usual in a child’s world such as playing games, doing homework or just dreaming. Your child needs to know that you are the grownup and you are responsible to take care of them and not vice versa. Your child also needs to understand that as a person, you need companionship with other adults too and that means going out and meeting new friends.

Separation is an extremely difficult time and feelings can be very strong. Seek support and discuss what is worrying you to other family members and friends, rather than talking to your child. Children are often torn between the two parents. They often want to defend the other parent but feel they are being disloyal or are afraid of getting into trouble. Some children are more likely to misbehave with the parent who does most of the disciplining and day-to-day things. It is easier for children to behave better when they spend a short time with a parent and doing many fun things. Always give thoughts to and arrange for your child’s future in case anything happens to you.

Discipline:

Discipline in a single parent household has pros and cons. It is often easier for one person to make the rules and carry them out. On the other hand, carrying out all the discipline can be demanding and having the support of another adult can make it easier.

Create clear and consistent rules:

Let your child know the family rules that apply when he or she is in your care, even if they may not be the same as when they are with the other parent. If both parents can agree on the rules, it is highly likely that the child will follow them. Do not change the rules because you feel guilty or want to compete with the other parent. If you are not always consistent, it is fine, just work on not giving in to your child’s caprice next time.

Set routines and limits:

Having a routine will allow you to have some time alone. Your child must know what you expect from them after school, what happens after the chores are done, the time allocated for taking a bath, the time for homework and other activities. Additionally, as the parent you must set time aside each day to spend with your children doing things you both love such as watching TV, reading or playing together. House rules (such as no friends in the house when you are not at home) and your expectations (such as washing all your dirty dishes after use), must be clearly explained so that you are not overwhelmed with all the chores. Consider re-evaluating certain limits such as screen time when your child is extra cooperative.

Lean on others:

Work out a schedule on how your support network, which includes the grandparents, school, day care, friends, neighbours and faith communities, may be able to assist you with your child. In this way, you can also look after yourself and have a ‘time-out’ for at least a few hours to meet new people or simply enjoy some outdoor activities.

Stay positive:

Keep your sense of humour when you are dealing with everyday challenges. Show your child unconditional love and support even when they speak nicely about the other partner. Always maintain good communication that will allow your child to tell you if s/he feels insecure or unsafe at the other parent’s house. In order to have a less stressful schedule and readily available support, you may have to consider changing day care centres or reviewing the impact of your job.

Visiting the other parent:

Let your child plan and enjoy time with the other parent if you can. It will make a difference for your child to see that you are pleased about this contact. Children want to be able to love each parent without feeling guilty. Those who do not have contact with the other parent need to understand the reasons why this is not so. If there are any issues with the other parent, discuss these in private.

Make changeovers as natural and friendly as possible. If you are unable to do this, try to avoid contact with the other parent. For example, pick up or drop off your child at a neutral place or with a friend present.

You must allow time for your child to ‘fit back into home’ when they return. Some children take a few minutes, others hours, and some take days. They may feel sad or guilty about leaving the other parent. They may even be upset if they have not had an enjoyable visit.

Talk happily about what has been happening at home while they have been away. Allow them to talk about what they have been doing. Do not pressure them with questions, as this may make them close up to protect the other parent.

If your child takes days to settle and it does not seem to be improving over time, you may need to get professional help.

Growing up in a single parent household:

Growing up in this type of home can be a very positive experience for children. They often have a close and special relationship with the parent. Sometimes, children envy their friends in two parent households. It may help them to know that all families have their ups and downs.

Children in a single parent household are often very mature because of the extra responsibilities they have. Let them know you feel proud of their achievements.

Make sure your child has lots of time to spend with their friends.

If you are very close to your child, it might be hard for them to leave your home when they are older and ready to face the wider world. Let them know that you have your own life and that you will be proud, not sorry, when they grow up and make their own choices.

Single parenting and dating:

If you are dating, consider the impact your new romantic partner will have on your child. Take time to know if that partner will fit in your family setting before introducing that person to your child. Do not pressure your child to accept your new partner as this takes time and be clear that the new partner is not trying to replace the other parent.

If your child’s other parent is not involved in his or her life, always portray a positive message about the opposite sex. Contradict stereotypes by including members of the opposite sex as role models for your child. Always find ways to point out their accomplishments or positive characteristics. Include a complete family as role model to show your child that it is possible to have a long-term and positive relationship with members of the opposite sex.

Contributed by the National Council for Children / Ministry of Family Affairs, Youth and Sports

Copyright photos: CDC Unsplash