NCC parenting workshops |19 March 2016

Parents learn to ‘set limits and apply consequences’

No matter what your children say, or how strongly they feel about it, they are not ready to be responsible for everything just yet.

There are times when parents need to control what their child does. Setting limits and using consequences are two strategies that parents learn in the NCC (National Council for Children) workshops to influence their kids’ behaviour.  Delegates learn how to set limits, how to make rules work best by backing it up with consequences and also learn how to make the consequences effective.
To set limits parents need to be clear about what they expect and what is acceptable from their children. Setting limits work best when parents have good relationships with their children. With a strong positive relationship, it’s more likely that your child will accept your values and beliefs and understand your reasons for setting limits on their behaviour. It is harder to influence children if you constantly argue, correct and criticise them. Under such  conditions, children may not want to work with their parents to solve problems and may choose to argue or just ignore parents instead. If children don’t feel connected to their parents, they may not be willing to respect their parents’ thoughts or feelings. 
In this article the NCC is offering some suggestions on how to set limits. 
A good way to set limits is to have a clear set of house rules. They make it easier for your children to behave in ways that meet your expectations. Good rules clearly state what behaviour is expected. It also helps to write the rules down and display them where they can be a reminder to everyone in your family. Some parents use fridges as their rules noticeboard.
You can use house rules to do two things. Firstly, they can outline your expectations for specific behaviour. If, for example, your child  frequently  leaves dirty clothes on the floor or on their bed, then you might have a rule that says ‘Clothes should be placed in the dirty laundry basket’ or if your child keeps arriving home late from school, then you might have a rule that says, ‘Everyone must come straight home from school’. 
House rules can also teach your children appropriate behaviour. For instance, if you want to teach your children how to show respect for other people, the house rules can state that everyone is expected to speak politely, use manners, ask for permission before touching other people’s property, and knock on doors before entering the rooms.

Too many rules could be a sign that you are trying to control too much of your child’s life. Keep rules only for those issues and situations that are a risk to your child or family’s health and safety, or for situations where the rights and feelings of other people could be badly affected. Leave other issues up to your child. That is, give your child every opportunity to succeed at dealing with the challenges they face. Be supportive when they try to be responsible, mature and independent.
While children rely on their parents to establish and maintain boundaries, they also want to have a say in them. You can include your children when you make rules by listening to their point of view on what rules to have and how you word the rules. They are also likely to come up with ideas about what would be a fair consequence if the rule were broken. 
Unfortunately, it may not always be possible to reach agreement over rules. However, that is no reason for not having the rule. Ultimately, it’s your job to decide what rules to have. When you can’t agree, tell your teenager that it may not be the best or fairest rule, but it is the best you can come up with now. 

Make rules fair 
A fair rule is one that applies equally to everyone in the family. For example, the rule ‘Always knock before going into mum and dad’s bedroom’, is unfair because it really only applies to the children. A fairer rule is ‘Always knock before entering anyone’s room’. In this way, rules for your kids are also house rules. A good way to show fairness is by following the house rules yourself. 

Make rules clear 
Your child is more likely to follow a rule if it is specific and easy to understand. The rule, ‘Children must not be home too late’, is not very helpful because it doesn’t say when your child should be home or what ‘too late’ actually is. On the other hand, ‘Children must be home before 4.30pm everyday’, is clear and leaves little room for confusion or argument. The rule is clear because it tells the child what to do, rather than what not to do. When you are thinking about how to express a rule, ask yourself the question, “What do I want my child to do differently/better in this situation?” Keep the words simple and the rule short. This will make each rule easier to remember. 

Change rules 
House rules need to change over time. As children get older and show more responsibility, the house rules need to change. Take a rule off the written list when everyone follows it automatically. This doesn’t mean that the rule no longer applies, just that it no longer needs to be written down. Rules also change as new issues arise (e.g. rules around dating as your child gets older).

While the rules might change, the need for rules never changes. Even when living with young adults at home, rules are helpful to ensure that everyone understand their responsibilities in the household. 

Consequences 
Just having rules may solve problems that come up in your family. Problems can sometimes disappear when everybody knows what is expected of them. However, you will also need consequences for when rules are broken.The NCC will provide some guidance on how to apply consequences in a future article.

Contributed